Bun in the Oven
by MercuryPilgrim
Summary: Ichigo was confused. What could possibly fluster the indomitable Tenth Squad Captain so? When he found out, he simply thanked the heavens it wasn't him in the little Captains place. Matsumoto was bad before. Now she's a nightmare. HitsuMatsu


_Disclaimer: _I do not own Bleach or any of its affiliates. Anything that you recognise is property of its respective owners. Any relations to persons living or dead are purely coincidental.

_Base/s:_ Bleach

_Title:_ Coco Pops

_Summary: _Ichigo was confused. What could possibly scare the indomitable Tenth Squad Captain so? When he found out, he simply thanked the heavens it wasn't him in the little Captains place.

_Music used for inspiration: _Surprisingly, none.

* * *

Ichigo Kurosaki hummed as he poured the hot water into his cup, stirred, and added a single lump of sugar. He padded back to his living room and flopped in a chair, blew on his tea and contemplated whether to bother turning the TV on. It was half past eleven at night after all, there probably wasn't anything decent on.

He sank back into his sofa, stretched out his long legs and took as sip of his tea. Minutes slid by. Ichigo's eyelids drooped.

He was jerked awake by the sound of banging. It took a few seconds for his doze addled brain to figure out that someone was knocking rather forcefully at his door. At five to midnight. Scowling and ready to tell whoever it was to politely bugger off, he slid the chain across its housing and wrenched open the door.

Staring at the person in front of him, he blinked.

"Wha-"

"Kurosaki, I need your help."

Never, had he thought he would hear those words come from Toshiro Hitsugaya's mouth.

He regained the ability to speak.

"W-what the hell are you doing here? Don't you know what _time_ it is?" he asked.

Cue scowl and sarcasm. Lovely.

"Of _course_ I know what time it is, and like I said, I need your help. Now, are you going to let me in or not?" Toshiro said, seeming in a hurry, his eyes oddly panicked.

Dimly, Ichigo realised he had already pulled open the door and stepped aside before he had said yes.

Toshiro strode inside and paused in the middle of Ichigo's living room, he wrung his hands.

"Well? What is it you need so badly you had to call 'round _now?_" he asked grumpily.

"Coco Pops." Toshiro blurted out and looked embarrassed he had.

"... what?" Ichigo was sure he had heard wrong.

"You heard me. What the hell are Coco Pops and where can I find some?"

Ichigo spluttered, finally coming to the conclusion he actually _hadn't_ woken up and was stuck in a very bizarre dream.

"Well Kurosaki? I don't have all night you know!"

No, definitely not a dream.

"What the hell- Coco Pops Toshiro? _Coco Pops?_ Why on earth do you want Coco Pops _now?_ Can't you repress your cravings for children's cereal until tomorrow?" he asked.

Glare. Ooh, frosty.

"It's Captain Hitsugaya! And they're not _my _cravings we're talking about!"

"Huh?"

"Matsumoto wants Coco Pops." He said bluntly, with an air of resignation. "To be more specific, she wants mashed Coco Pops, tobasco sauce, gherkins and peanut butter and she wants them _now._"

"What? _Why?_" Ichigo asked, he almost didn't want to know.

Toshiro sighed.

"She's pregnant. Women crave weird things when they're pregnant." He said simply, shrugging his shoulders. Ichigo's brain ground to a halt.

"She's _pregnant?_" he asked incredulously. Toshiro looked at him oddly.

"Yeah." He said in a 'duh' tone. "You didn't know?"

Ichigo ran a hand through his hair.

"No! I damn well didn't know! Who's the unlucky bastard?"

Toshiro glared and then shifted uncomfortably, staying silent.

After a moment, Ichigo narrowed his eyes.

"Wait... it was _you?_ _You_ got your _lieutenant_ pregnant?" he asked loudly.

Toshiro shifted again and averted his eyes.

"Aren't you supposed to be the responsible one? Honestly, I thought Kyoraku would be the one in this situation. Man, she's going to be a nightm-"

He deflated with a loud sigh before perking up and going very still.

"Wait. If she's pregnant, and you're the f-father... then that means you two had..." he trailed off, looking slightly repulsed.

Toshiro raised an eyebrow.

"Sex, Kurosaki? Yes, that is the usual precursor of a woman getting pregnant." He said, sarcasm heavy in his words.

Ichigo was horrified.

"Don't _say_ that! I can't believe it! I don't want to even _think_ about it! Y-you and... her- having- doing-" he made an inarticulate sound, made all the more poignant by his expansive arm gestures.

Toshiro- apparently not at all embarrassed by the conversation topic- folded his arms. Ichigo was fairly sure it had something to do with his reaction not being particularly unique. Ichigo felt a twinge of sympathy.

"_If_ you are quite finished?"

No wait, it was gone.

"So," Ichigo said, blowing a breath out through pursed lips, "Coco Pops?"

Toshiro nodded. "And tobasco sauce, gherkins and peanut butter."

Ichigo made a face. Toshiro saw it and commented.

"Believe me, I know. You have no idea the demands she makes, you thought she was bad before? She at least a hundred times worse now. I don't think I've had a full night's sleep since January." He grumbled.

Considering it was now late March, Ichigo felt that sliver of sympathy flare up again. Matsumoto? A _hundred_ times worse than she already was? Heaven help the Soul Society.

Wait, no. That wouldn't work...

"And _then_ she complains that she's getting fat and that it's somehow _my _fault that her chest has gotten even _bigger_ and it's starting to suffocate her when she sleeps. And then she makes me promise never to leave her _ever_, sends me out to get this _stuff_ on pain of death and when I come back she tells me she hates me because I broke my promise never to leave her." He ran a hand through messy white hair. Ichigo noticed for the first time how stressed he looked. He winced.

Ichigo silently vowed never to have children. Ever.

Toshiro seemed to have the same thought.

He looked at Ichigo penetratingly.

"Ichigo. Find a nice quiet woman. Make sure you get _married_ before you have kids." He groaned. "You have no _idea_ the amount of scandalised looks I get from Yamamoto and those prehistoric fossils in the Seireitei."

Ichigo nodded fervently. He was contemplating taking notes.

The feeling of sympathy came back in full force.

"Um, do you fancy a beer?"

"Oh god yes."

As they sat, talking amiably with bottles in hands, time slid by.

"I should be getting back now. I don't suppose I could borrow some ear plugs too? I can sense some crying and yelling waiting for me when I get back." The Captain said and Ichigo was sure he almost had a heart attack. Hitsugaya just made a joke? Maybe this _was_ a dream.

"So, Coco Pops?" Ichigo asked in confirmation.

"Yeah. I've already got the other... ingredients." He answered with a grimace.

He opened the door to his cereal cupboard. Special K, Weetabix and some bacon. Why the hell was there bacon in his cereal cupboard?

Not having time to ponder this, Ichigo opened more doors in his kitchen, certain he had seen Coco Pops in there recently. Yes! There was one of those free samples that were shoved through his (now horribly misshapen) letterbox. Finding it in his fridge (He really needed to sort out his kitchen), he ambled back to the living room.

He waved the half sized box at the Captain who accepted it in relief.

"Thanks. I owe you for this."

Yes, this was _definitely_ a dream.

"Nah," he said instead of voicing his concerns. "Don't worry about it. Just remember if I ever come calling to _your_ door at midnight..."

Toshiro snorted.

"I'll be sure to let you in and offer beer."

Ichigo grinned as Toshiro stepped out of the door and he closed it behind him. Then he remembered why his friend had come in the first place. He shuddered. That was truly frightening. More so than Karin when it was _that_ time of the month. He grimaced. There were some things a brother should never know about.

* * *

Ichigo Kurosaki hummed as he poured the hot water into his cup, stirred, and added a single lump of sugar. He padded back to his living room and flopped in a chair, blew on his tea and contemplated whether to bother turning the TV on. It was half past ten in the morning after all, there probably wasn't anything decent on.

Huh. De ja vu.

Shaking his head he smiled when he heard the light footsteps behind him. They stopped.

"I-Ichigo?"

He frowned at the nervous note in his girlfriend's voice.

"What is it?" he asked, getting up and standing in front of her and brushing a strand of hair from her eye. She was clad in a towel and her hair was wet. He noticed for the first time she was holding a little white stick in her hand. She scrunched her toes and didn't meet his eye.

He felt dread rising up in his gut. Then something clicked. The dread gave way to full blown panic.

"I've um, got something to t-tell you."

_End_

_Teehee. I couldn't help myself. I origionally had Toshiro taking too long and Matsumoto busting in to find him, but I realised that would require effort and was not something Matsumoto would do. Probably. As usual, I left Ichigo's girlfriend blank, you can insert whoever you want. Aren't I considerate? _


End file.
